We at Cymax Stores are committed to tackling the real issues, and like 68% of all Americans today, my most worrisome issue is the Boogeyman. Boogeyman-related stress and illnesses cost American employers $8.5 trillion a year in health expenses and lost productivity.
The symptoms of a Boogeyman encounter include fatigue, irritability, bed-wetting, sudden whitening of the hair, and shivering in the foetal position while begging the horror to stop. Many Boogeyman sufferers are unable to sleep without the help of night-lights, nightly closet checks, the total tucking-in of all their blankets, and constant whining that the bedroom door needs to be open farther to let more light in.
Does this sound like anyone you know? Perhaps a co-worker, spouse, or family member has a chronic Boogeyman problem. Perhaps you have one yourself, and you’re reading this on a laptop from behind a fortress of couch cushions, which you think will save you when the scary monster comes again. Hint: It won’t.
In any case, there are practical solutions, and we at Cymax can help. Here are some tips and related products to help you deal with this nightly threat.
Tip 1. The Boogeyman cannot be captured on camera or by any home security equipment.
If the Boogeyman was susceptible to such banal trickery, he would have been captured, arrested, imprisoned, contracted to write a best-selling memoir, and made into a reality show TV star by now. So while our excellent range of home security and surveillance products won't help you catch the Boogeyman, it will help you catch those whippersnappers who always smoke their jimson weed out behind your wisteria bush. That alone might ease your mind.
Tip 2. The Boogeyman doesn’t like bright light.
Does this mean you should sleep with all your lights on? Not in these energy-conscious times. Trust us, if you think the Boogeyman is scary, then you haven’t experienced an enraged, shirtless Al Gore punching down your door, screaming about how you’ve “unleashed the hurricane,” and then tearing you asunder with his bare hands. But we at Cymax Stores do have a range of efficient and convenient LED lamps and flashlights for those nightly emergency floor-sweeps.
Tip 3. The Boogeyman only emerges from closets and beneath beds.
Other modes of transportation such as windows, vents and drains are not popular with the Boogeyman, lucky for us – the closet and the bed space are trouble enough. If you check them one at a time, it’s all too easy for the Boogeyman to switch around and elude you, making you check again and again. This is a problem that vexes even world-famous boogeymanologists.
The only way to be sure of the Boogeyman’s absence is to check both closet and bed at the same time. Get a spouse or friend to help you. If you're unable to do this, then you are urged to fill your closet with bricks, and use an armoire from Cymax for all your storage instead. You will never again be troubled by a closet-Boogeyman, and as a bonus, you may also be magically transported to Narnia (see your warranty details).
Tip 4. The more distance you put between yourself and the floor, the less chance you have of being Boogeymanned.
The Boogeyman has to travel across the floor like every other dark, lurching abomination except the winged nightgaunt and the giant hornet. The best way for you to keep away from the floor is by purchasing a bunk bed from Cymax Stores. The idea, of course, is that you’ll take the top bunk, and you’ll leave the bottom bunk to be occupied by an anti-Boogeyman decoy made out of a pile of clothes and a wig. You can also give the bottom bunk to any annoying relation who claims not to believe in the Boogeyman. Because they’ll learn. They’ll learn.
Some bunk beds offer added protection, so it’s worth shopping around a little. This bunk bed is more like an anti-monster bunker, and will serve as a prime defense against the horrors of nightgaunts, umber hulks, howling cryptoids and Ann Coulters. Other bed alternatives exist for those who disdain monster-fighting and would rather make a quick getaway instead.
We hope that this guide has been informative to you. If these tips and your credit card are both judiciously applied, the next time the Boogeyman darkens your doorstep, he’ll have no choice but to boogie on back to where he came from (probably Iowa).
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