Keep the Sand, Lose the Chamber Pot

When I was a kid, I always wanted to go to one of those hotels that had theme rooms. My parents, who were more interested in being practical than having fun, thought that a room with sand on the floor or a round bed or a heart-shaped tub was a bit much for a family, outing, so we were stuck with the classic two bed room with a ghastly flower bedspread and complimentary soaps and shampoo that smelled like almonds. I can recall, almost gagging, the gold-framed photos of boats in a harbor or gardens overflowing with pink roses and watering cans. Ugh. I longed for real glass cups instead of ribbed plastic ones in an odd shade of beige, or an ice bucket shaped like a genie lamp instead of one with a “coke” insignia.

So now that I’m all grown up, and my putrid, trashy tastes haven’t yet escaped me, I am going to have a theme-room house. Yep, all of the bedrooms are going to have names like “Arabian Nights” or “Victorian Elegance” or “Western Hoe-down”. Heck, why not all three! With bedroom furniture from Cymax, I can make all of these rooms! And maybe even a “Space Odyssey” kitchen and “Down on the Farm” living room.

Let’s start with Arabian Nights: the most important thing will be a canopy pole bed with long flowing draperies. It’ll have to have poles tall enough to impale a man on stilts with a bronze finish and purple or red curtains. I’ll rip out the carpet and have a sand floor. Yes. Could I add a camel? Just in case he spits on guests, I’ll pass. I’ve heard they’re mean.

Next, the Victorian room. After I remove all electricity, I’ll wheel in my new metal bed. Add in a wooden rocking chair and a vanity, I’ll be finished. Except for the chamber pot. We’ll have none of that. Eww.

And, my personal favorite, the square-dancin’, hoe-down room. Swing ‘yer partner round and round, then throw them
down on an oak bed. Add a matching wooden dresser, a plaid duvet and a scarecrow to complete this western look.

Throw handfuls of hay into the corners, but no sheep. This isn’t that kind of bedroom.
There you have it. My theme-roomed home dreams can come true! All it takes is a little sand, some plaid and strong rules about animals and bathroom etiquette.