MTV (Baby) Cribs

Three months old and already at the top of the charts, Lil’ Billy, gangsta strut already perfected, strolls into the crib; his Swarovski-studded G-Unit diaper glittering by the light of his bedazzled dollar sign mobile. His presence is impressive, as well as his hospitality as non-alcoholic Colt 45 malt beverage is flowing for the whole crew.

“Yo, yo, yo! People let me holla atcha! My name is Lil’ Billy and this is MTV Cribs!” Lil’ Billy grins and then excuses his lack of a glittering grill, “I asked for one for my birfday,” he explains, “but I would probably swallow it in my sleep and choke to death. I can’t help it man! I’m a mutha-effin baby! My moms says I have to wait a couple of years…or at least until I stop trying to swallow her earrings.”

All of a sudden Lil’ Billy’s posse pulls up on pimped out Big Wheels with 22” rims, each one customized for every irreplaceable member of the crew. Johnny Suckers, for example, who loves to suck his thumbs, has a Big Wheel which features a massive bedazzled thumb with a diamond ring on it along the side. He proudly displays his bike like a peacock splays his feathers, by doing wheelies through the crib. It is clear from this magnificent display of gang loyalty and closeness that Lil’ Billy is the macaroni with the cheese.

The crib is a stunning reflection of Lil’ Billy’s own short life. It is constructed and lined with platinum bars to commemorate his first and most successful record, “You Kitty Cats Better Stop Peein’ in My Sandbox”, and a solid gold statuette of his Uncle, Master D, stands erect among the platinum bars to honor his current lengthy stay in the slammer. He wears a Scooby Doo band-aid under his left eye until the day he can see his Uncle free again, at which point they are going to go to Sea World to see the dolphins.

“Uncle Master D is a good guy. He always stirred up my Gerber’s Beef and Peas real good. And he didn’t mind when I vomited allover his brand new Air Force Ones. You should see that man burp a baby. It’s burping art.” Lil’ Billy quietly pondered to himself for a second over Uncle Master D, or so we thought. Incidentally it was just time for a diaper change.

After his wardrobe change, Lil’ Billy returned in a diaper so covered in bling that it was difficult to capture it on film. He proceeded to show us his beautiful, personalized bumper pads, which, quite honestly, took my breath away. The pads were expertly airbrushed depictions of Tupac in heaven, enjoying all of the perks described in his posthumous hit, Thugz Mansion. True to the game of his predecessors, Lil’ Billy has taken swiftly to the practice of airbrushing deceased artists onto personal belongings; t-shirts, jackets, and now, bumper pads.

Lil’ Billy showed us a wall of Tiffany baby rattles, a Playstation 3 built into his headboard and as well as a wide screen TV equipped with a DVD player and a library featuring every episode of Dora the Explorer. So it’s been a big day for young Lil’ Billy. We can see the sleep rolling in as his eyes begin to droop and his demeanor becomes a tad cranky, “I’m a baby mutha-effer!” He bellows in his defense.

Lil’ Billy’s ever present crew ushers us out quietly and I hear Lil’ Billy holler a request to his mother, “I’ll take my non-alcoholic Cristal sparkling apple juice warmed and in a bottle, not a sippy cup. I don’t want any spilling in my crib Ma.”

What a magnificent crib! I thought to myself as I stood outside of Lil’ Billy’s Connecticut palace. Where can one acquire a crib of that size and quality? Where does one find such a masterfully crafted, yet comfortably padded baby crib? Of course one would have to hire Xzibit and the Pimp my Crib crew to accessorize it so handsomely, but the actual crib was a beauty on its own! I went home and googled it long and hard and came across a wonderful website called BabyCribStation.com. They had the greatest selection of every size, kind and style of baby cribs. Cribs to nurture your Lil’ Billys and cribs to help foster and grow with them from toddler-hood to their first platinum record.