This is really hard for me to say. To be perfectly honest, I am not even 100% comfortable talking about the information that I am about to disclose, but I want to help other people the way that I was helped. It has taken me a really long time to say this out loud, but…here goes nothing. Before I got my wine rack, I was…how can I put this delicately…an utterly classless swine; a stinking, cultureless abscess; a vacuous, moronic philistine.
In the mornings I would turn on Maury Povich and watch with wide, engaged eyes and a sympathetic ear; not the normal laughter and harsh judgment that I do now.
I would ferociously tease my bangs every morning, to the point of perspiring - the bigger the better. I would apply copious amounts of foul smelling, dollar store-caliber hair spray that would solidify my coif for days.
In addition to this, my morning primping routine consisted of slathering myself in offensive, cheap perfume that had a known allergen in it. It would cause people in passing to sneeze or suddenly grab their stinging, watering eyes. I didn’t care.
I would speak loudly and use nasty language with little to no regard for those around me. Children and the elderly were subject to whatever verbal fancy I wanted to satisfy.
I used to pretend that I didn’t realize you couldn’t smoke in the mall or in movie theatres.
I once sent my niece to school with Cheez Whiz and a sleeve of saltine crackers for a bake sale.
I used to wear clothes that were far too tight and was convinced that my fanny pack concealed my growing muffin top (Muffin top: Referring to the spillage of unattractive back and abdominal fat (see: love handles) over tight, ill fitting, hip hugging pants).
I tipped poorly and accused most waiters and waitresses of rudeness and poor service to excuse my excessive cheapness.
I waited for excruciatingly long stretches of time between showers and would only finally bathe when I started to notice people casually raising their hands to their noses in my presence. Nor did I change my underwear or socks with any kind of regularity.
If you can believe it, these revolting facts are only the surface scrapings of my seemingly incurable trashiness. Until I got my wine rack, I didn’t even see anything wrong with dark red lip liner and bright pink lipstick. I thought blue eye shadow was all the rage and that black stirrup tights paired with oversized Boca sweatshirts were perfectly acceptable evening attire.
It was a fateful trip to the library which finally taught me the powers of the wine rack. I scoped out a good computer and readied myself for a day’s worth of hilarious You Tube videos: people falling, people crying, any and all kinds of human misery, despite the clear and glaring sign that forbid steaming videos and spending longer than an hour on any one computer. I didn’t care whatsoever. My general unpleasantness would deter any library employee from enforcing this measly stipulation, so I was set for the day. It was here that I discovered morewineracks.com. I thought that a wine rack would be the perfect device to hold my wealth of homemade wines as well as wines I had stolen from various weddings and post-funeral services at the event hall down the road from my trailer. I decided to make it my first online purchase and when it arrived it changed my life. It was as though I had been transformed; a wine rack spell had been placed on me and I was on my way to becoming a sophisticated lady.
At the grocery store I completely avoided the canned meat section and went straight for the real deal. I bought genuine, aged cheddar cheese and didn’t look twice at the cheese in the aerosol can, though I would miss its biting aftertaste. I threw away my teasing comb and purchased a lovely smelling perfume from a nice, respectable department store.
Things were changing for me more and more every day. The second I put the wine rack in my home and filled it with high-class, legally purchased wine, it was as though as though it released powerful anti-trailer park trash supersonic waves and they began cooking away all of my trailer trashy things and tendencies. I starting paying my bills on time and filling the house with good food and good books and before I knew it, my trailer was a palace! The nicest in the park! I threw away all of my ceramic cat ornaments and various
No comments:
Post a Comment