Most phobias I can understand. Agoraphobia: Fear of crowds – sure. Fear of small places – absolutely (my brother used to lock me in his tuba case when I was small enough, and as a result, I have a mild case of Claustrophobia). There are other phobias that I can understand: Acrophobia (fear of heights), Aviophobia (fear of flying), Mysophobia (fear of germs), Glossophobia (fear of public speaking), Enetophobia (fear of needles), and Brontophobia (fear of thunder and lightning). I know at least one person who suffers from at least one of these phobias… granted it is my dog that suffers from Brontophobia, but you catch my drift.
There was a news story this morning on the radio that peaked my interest in phobias, pushing me to instigate an internet task of researching the most uncommon phobias, featuring one phobia that has had me in a state of bewilderment all morning. Of course, everything you read on the internet is true, so my research is flawless…
10) Arachibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth. To tell you the truth, I can understand this phobia. In my teens, I used to torment my dog by placing big globs of peanut butter on the roof of his mouth, and be entertained for a good half hour as he tried to get it off. The thought of that situation being reversed is enough to make my skin crawl, ever so slightly.
9) Chromatophobia: The fear of colors. Now, one in twelve men is colorblind. However, men who are colorblind don’t just see in black and white, but in various shades of colors. And I suppose black and white are colors too… so I guess nobody really gets off the hook for this one.
8) Dextrophobia: The fear of objects at the right side of the body. Now this kind of phobia troubles me. Again, you can’t really escape this one, unless you don’t include walls in the list of objects and can huddle against one, right side of your body flat against it, and stay there your whole life.
7) Plutophobia: The fear of wealth. I have one thing, and only one thing to say to these people: if you’re wealthy and it’s driving you into a panic, please contact me, and I will take some of your wealth off your hands – no questions asked.
6) Metrophobia: The fear of poetry. Okay, so there is some bad poetry out there, but a sonnet isn’t going to kill you, and although nobody really gets them, haikus are nice and short. Plus, Chaucer wasn’t so bad, was he? Not like anyone can understand the guy anyway…
5) Nomatophobia: The fear of names. Hmmm… let’s think about this for a minute. Would people suffering from Nomatophobia prefer to be addressed as “Hey you!” or is it just, as my research tells me, a result of the significance of the name? Change your name to something that has no root. Call your friends ridiculous names.
4) Phonemophobia: The fear of thinking. This one baffles me. These sufferers are uncomfortable with their own thoughts and may panic when new and unfamiliar thoughts come about. How’s that as an excuse for getting out of a brainstorming session at work? This one is pretty well thought-out, in my books.
3) Aulophobia: The fear of flutes. Okay. So let’s break this down: A flute is a woodwind instrument, but unlike other woodwinds, it doesn’t have a reed. I played saxophone for years, and placing my tongue against a reed always gave me the creeps, but a flute? You blow sideways through a hole, people! It doesn’t even have to touch your mouth! However, if you are an Aulophobic and are irrationally fearful of the look or sound of flutes, that is another thing… Advice? Pick up an electric guitar, crank the volume, and drown this phobia out.
2) Geniophobia: The fear of chins. Yes people: this is a true phobia. Now, I’ve seen some pretty nasty double (triple, quadruple) chins in my life, but only a handful have sent me running the other way. Geniophobics are scared of ALL chins – small, large, dimpled, chiseled – and are therefore a little unlucky when it comes to living every day life. I imagine this phobia goes hand in hand with Agoraphobia.
and now… big drum roll for the phobia of the day:
1) Koumpounophobia: The fear of buttons. Yup. Those evil, dirty, scary, horrific buttons – on your shirt, on your pants – but especially on their own. The fear of buttons affects one in 75,000 people.
This was the news story this morning. A twenty-two-year-old woman has come out to the media to talk about her fear of buttons. In her own words, “touching a button would be like touching a cockroach. It feels dirty, nasty and wrong.” She can’t be in a room with anyone who has buttons on their clothing, and of course she won’t wear them herself. Her boyfriend has to wear zippers.
I didn’t believe it; I just couldn’t fathom it, until I found endless websites devoted to Koumpounophobia. Sufferers from all over the world come together on the web to find support from other people who are affected. One girl wrote that the buttons with four holes are the worst, stating “imagine someone putting a button in a shallow puddle of water and you can see the water come through the holes,” she goes on to admit, “I’m shivering just thinking about it!”
I don’t mean to poke (much) fun at these people. Obviously it is an immobilizing phobia, and people need professional help. I’m no doctor or psychologist, but what I do know is that I lose a lot of buttons from my shirts, and because I’m lazy and because it takes me a full evening to sew a button back on, they end up in a pile on the top of my vanity set. Now, I hope that I never meet anyone who is a Koumpounophobic, not because I think they would be bad friends, but because I wouldn’t want them to come over and have a panic attack when they see my pile of loose buttons. Luckily, my vanity set has a ton of closed storage, where I can hide my pile, so as long as the Koumpounophobic doesn’t also suffer from an impulse to rifle through other people’s belongings, I’m sure we can get along just fine. After all, I have no problem with zippers.
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