3. Hellraiser – For some bizarre and inexplicable reason, the overweight gothic girls and the hopeless, bespectacled geeks who love them have rewarded this steaming pile of crap with a modicum of undeserving renown and acclaim. Stretching over three ghoulish hours, Hellraiser provides the average viewer with some of the most hilariously bad acting ever to grace the silver screen, coupled with the most nonsensical dialogue of all time. I recognize the fact that these kinds of horror movies are generally awful, featuring convoluted story lines and brutal one liners, but the fascinating thing about this movie is that it has a decent rating according to most respectable movie websites, as well as a slew of unfortunate people who deem it to be one of the most frightening movies of all time. Of course, I have only ever watched it on an ancient VCR chugging along feverishly, dangerously close to sputtering to its death; the whir of its mechanical bits humming at increasingly louder decibels. In other words, maybe I haven’t given this movie the proper viewing it deserves. This kind of cinematic garbage warrants the real deal; like sitting back in a luxurious Bass Ambassador Home Theater Chair, watching a massive flat screen television and enjoying only the finest Orville Redenbacher which I like to bastardize with ketchup seasoning, butter employed only as an adhesive for the deliciously and dangerously sodium filled flavoring.
Tagline: Satan’s done waitin’.
2. Sleepaway Camp – Sadly, there is not a self respecting movie theatre in the world that would soil their screens with the highly disturbing yet laughably crappy final scene of this complete cow pie of a movie. So it looks like you will have to rent it when and if it ever comes to DVD and play it on your boss home theater system. The plot of this outrageous tale revolves around a troubled young girl named Angela. She is quiet yet seemingly disturbed and suffers endless torment from the other kids at the camp. When mysterious, violent deaths begin to occur, no one would ever suspect young Angela; young Angela who is so quiet, “she could be dead!” You don’t hear that kind of subtle foreshadowing anymore which is really why this movie needs to be enjoyed on a big screen in HD, with surround sound; especially for the revolting climax. For the ending, picture The Crying Game only with phenomenally worse acting and some of the worst special effects of all time; if I had had anything to do with the she-thing creature that exposes itself at the end of this movie professionally I would probably jump off a building. It looked as though a four year old crafted this final terror with MSPaint. The head of the female lead, Angela was sloppily placed atop the neck of the body of a man with absolutely no regard for realism or authenticity. Angela’s head was simply a picture of the lead actresses face contorted into a wicked, unmoving grin, and the body which was of a completely different skin tone was also immobilized in nudity. This is the kind of garbage that needs to be enjoyed in a top of the line home theater; one to rival even Tony Soprano’s.
Tagline: The perfect place to meet young girls might just be the perfect place to die!
1. The Paperboy – This classic features the cinematic stylings of the great Alexandra Paul formerly known as Stephanie Holden from both the original Baywatch and the devastatingly lame (and thankfully short-lived) Baywatch Nights (lasting two seasons, this show featured The Hoff playing a ‘gritty’ private investigator, protecting the beach from the sands by day and the streets by night; apparently neon lights and high-waisted, pleated pants make you ‘gritty’. Who knew?). This gem of an actress plays sweet Melissa Thorpe, a divorced mother of one who moves into her elderly grandmother’s home after she mysteriously dies. Upon arrival, Melissa and her daughter are introduced to young Johnny, a paperboy whose workaholic father seems to never be around to hang out with him. Melissa feels sorry for the young boy and allows him to come over for dinner and to baby sit her daughter, but when Johnny begins to behave strangely and act out violently, Melissa tells him he is no longer welcome in her home. This is when the terror really begins. Johnny goes on a veritable killing spree, murdering all of those who keep him from who he considers his ‘real’ family, i.e. Melissa and her wee daughter. It is quite a sight to behold; watching all of these horrendous actors pretend as though they might really succumb to the wit and strength of a prepubescent, 80 pound paperboy. The kind of completely unbelievable tripe that must be witnessed on the big screen of your home theater.
Tagline: He’s bad news.
How can you possibly deny yourself the pleasure of these films? There is truly nothing more hilarious than a bad movie, so what could be better than a bad movie played in an awesome home theater? Treat yourself to some frightful gems of the late 70s to the early 90s; it’ll be a scream…
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