Going French With Help From Cymax

I’ve decided to change my identity. My entire heritage, actually. Although I am a perfectly balanced mix of Scottish and English (50/50, I’m told), I’m going French. It’s just that French is sultrier, more seductive. The language elegantly rolls off the tongue… well, more like the back of the throat, but still. I love to eat, and the tastes of France beat the Scottish meat ‘n potatoes or the British fish ‘n chips staple foods. I’ll stay away from escargot, but bring on the cheeses and baguettes, and especially the chocolate fondue, any day. And no more tartan, no more cardigans. I want Louis Vuitton, Yves Saint Laurent, Christian Dior, and Chanel. And who doesn’t want to go to the most romantic country in the world? I certainly do. French: I want to speak it, eat it, wear it, and live it. I want to be French.

In order to “go” French there are some essential things I need to change about my home. Luckily, Cymax makes this incredibly easy with the convenience of online shopping. Cymax has a variety of furniture items, for every room in the house, which will help with my transformation.

Firstly, in order to cook up a French storm, to have all the wonderful aromas and tastes that come with the nationality, I will need a French kitchen cart for all of the extra space I will need to accommodate the varieties of ingredients cluttering my kitchen. Classically styled, this cart will make it easy to cook a genuine gourmet French-inspired meal. I will also need a French baker’s rack for all of the baguettes I plan on making. I don’t know how to make them yet, but those are just minor details.

But I can’t just go from a French kitchen to a drab eating area, furnished with a table and chairs from England that have been passed down to me from centuries ago that any person my age should not have anywhere near their house if they want to avoid the nickname “Granny”. In order to genuinely transform my identity, I need to invest in a French bar table set to feed myself and my guests in style. This will provide a perfect perch for wine and cheese, and a good gab. With the contemporary style, combined with a touch of traditional French scrollwork, I can have a modern dining area with a French design. There I will sit, pouring champagne for guests, and will be well on my way to French-hood.

My new French identity needs to infiltrate my every hour though – even when I am not awake. In order to be successful at training my subconscious, I need to start having French dreams. In order for French dreams, I need to be dreaming in a bed complete with a French comforter set. This nine-piece comforter set features a leafy design that I can only imagine mirrors the falling leaves on Paris streets. Here, I will sleep in French, and when I wake up, I will take my fashionable new clothes out of my French floral accent chest to dress myself, and head to my French jewelry armoire to put on my make-up and accessories to start my day on the right foot.

The finishing touches for my newly Frenchized home will probably be the most important part of my transitioning nationality. I will desperately need a place to practice the language. Sure, I will get the chance to test out my French by speaking with friends (or forcing them to listen to me), but I won’t master the language, or the nationality, without studying. With a French floral desk to match my accent chest, and a French table lamp to keep me company through hours and hours of perfecting the language and the accent, I will have everything I need.

On top of this, thanks to the ability to shop online for all of these necessities, I can become French without having to leave the house. That said, once I feel French enough, I am buying a one-way ticket to France (bypassing the United Kingdom), and bringing my furniture with me. C’est final.

On the Day I was Going to be Late for Work and My Furniture Helped Me

It has happened to all of us. The alarm goes off, you look at the clock, you see the time and somewhere in your semi-conscious state of half waking you make the decision to simply ignore it, roll over and drift back to sleep. You finally jerk yourself out of your slumber at that irritating point in which you are juuust too late to ever make it on time despite your best efforts, but you try anyway. In an unpleasant blur of tooth brushing and pulling on pants in the dark, you manage to scramble out of your apartment and onto the streets where a walk to the bus provides that final seam which will surely seal your lateness.

Allow me to take a moment and tell you a tale about when I was going to be late for work and my furniture helped me. Not only did I end up not being late, but I also looked extra spiffy and put together.

I normally wake up for work at 7 in the morning. If I wake up at 7 in the morning, I have 45 minutes to get ready, and maybe even enjoy the newspaper over a cup of coffee (though more than likely it will be a cartoon over a bowl of Froot Loops).

Oftentimes I see that ‘7:00’ glowing bright red on my nightstand and refuse to believe that the time has truly come for me to leave my warm cocoon of blankets and sheets and face the cold bathroom floor and the harsh buzz of my electric toothbrush. I see that bright ‘7:00’ flashing in my face and, instead of rising, I simply turn off the alarm and fall back asleep. Generally half an hour to 45 minutes later, I wrench the blankets off of my body and tear through the house like a madwoman trying to compress my 45 minute morning into five.

However, there was something different about this day; something unusual about my morning routine. You see, I had recently fully furnished my apartment with purchases from the reasonably priced and wonderfully easy to navigate online furniture retailer Cymax. I woke up late, like any other day when I wake up late; however this time, squishing my routine into five minutes was much easier than before. Instead of being sprawled on the counter or in some random location, my keys were in the top drawer of my brand new accent table which I had placed conveniently next to my front door. In addition to this, I bought a brand new kitchen cart which not only provided me with a handy place to store my Froot Loops but also a way to wheel around my bowl of cereal so that I could sneak bites while I was rushing to the bathroom from the bedroom to the kitchen and back. Finally, my coat, instead of being thrown haphazardly over a chair, was perched nicely atop a lovely mahogany coat rack, right at the door, ready for me to wear.

I couldn’t believe it, but what with all of my new purchases, my 45 minutes morning routine was easily condensed into five fast minutes! I was shocked and amazed! Especially when my brand new armoire helped me pull my pants up, or when my spanking new night table gently combed my hair while I put my contacts in.

…is that normal?

Tips on Boogeymanagement

We at Cymax Stores are committed to tackling the real issues, and like 68% of all Americans today, my most worrisome issue is the Boogeyman. Boogeyman-related stress and illnesses cost American employers $8.5 trillion a year in health expenses and lost productivity.

The symptoms of a Boogeyman encounter include fatigue, irritability, bed-wetting, sudden whitening of the hair, and shivering in the foetal position while begging the horror to stop. Many Boogeyman sufferers are unable to sleep without the help of night-lights, nightly closet checks, the total tucking-in of all their blankets, and constant whining that the bedroom door needs to be open farther to let more light in.

Does this sound like anyone you know? Perhaps a co-worker, spouse, or family member has a chronic Boogeyman problem. Perhaps you have one yourself, and you’re reading this on a laptop from behind a fortress of couch cushions, which you think will save you when the scary monster comes again. Hint: It won’t.

In any case, there are practical solutions, and we at Cymax can help. Here are some tips and related products to help you deal with this nightly threat.

Tip 1. The Boogeyman cannot be captured on camera or by any home security equipment.

If the Boogeyman was susceptible to such banal trickery, he would have been captured, arrested, imprisoned, contracted to write a best-selling memoir, and made into a reality show TV star by now. So while our excellent range of home security and surveillance products won't help you catch the Boogeyman, it will help you catch those whippersnappers who always smoke their jimson weed out behind your wisteria bush. That alone might ease your mind.

Tip 2. The Boogeyman doesn’t like bright light.

Does this mean you should sleep with all your lights on? Not in these energy-conscious times. Trust us, if you think the Boogeyman is scary, then you haven’t experienced an enraged, shirtless Al Gore punching down your door, screaming about how you’ve “unleashed the hurricane,” and then tearing you asunder with his bare hands. But we at Cymax Stores do have a range of efficient and convenient LED lamps and flashlights for those nightly emergency floor-sweeps.

Tip 3. The Boogeyman only emerges from closets and beneath beds.

Other modes of transportation such as windows, vents and drains are not popular with the Boogeyman, lucky for us – the closet and the bed space are trouble enough. If you check them one at a time, it’s all too easy for the Boogeyman to switch around and elude you, making you check again and again. This is a problem that vexes even world-famous boogeymanologists.

The only way to be sure of the Boogeyman’s absence is to check both closet and bed at the same time. Get a spouse or friend to help you. If you're unable to do this, then you are urged to fill your closet with bricks, and use an armoire from Cymax for all your storage instead. You will never again be troubled by a closet-Boogeyman, and as a bonus, you may also be magically transported to Narnia (see your warranty details).

Tip 4. The more distance you put between yourself and the floor, the less chance you have of being Boogeymanned.

The Boogeyman has to travel across the floor like every other dark, lurching abomination except the winged nightgaunt and the giant hornet. The best way for you to keep away from the floor is by purchasing a bunk bed from Cymax Stores. The idea, of course, is that you’ll take the top bunk, and you’ll leave the bottom bunk to be occupied by an anti-Boogeyman decoy made out of a pile of clothes and a wig. You can also give the bottom bunk to any annoying relation who claims not to believe in the Boogeyman. Because they’ll learn. They’ll learn.

Some bunk beds offer added protection, so it’s worth shopping around a little. This bunk bed is more like an anti-monster bunker, and will serve as a prime defense against the horrors of nightgaunts, umber hulks, howling cryptoids and Ann Coulters. Other bed alternatives exist for those who disdain monster-fighting and would rather make a quick getaway instead.

We hope that this guide has been informative to you. If these tips and your credit card are both judiciously applied, the next time the Boogeyman darkens your doorstep, he’ll have no choice but to boogie on back to where he came from (probably Iowa).